FIA Introduces "Spin-the-Wheel" Penalty System to Ensure Unpredictability in F1

Satire
Written By Adam Turner

In a bid to make Formula 1 even more thrilling (and completely nonsensical), the FIA has announced a brand-new penalty system that will see stewards abandon any form of logic and instead determine punishments by spinning a giant carnival wheel.

The new system, set to debut next year at the Monaco Grand Prix, will feature penalties ranging from “5-Second Time Penalty” to “Drive Backwards Through Pit Lane” and even the dreaded “Team Principal Must Apologize in a Funny Hat.”

A New Era of Fairness

FIA President Mohammed Ben Sulayem justified the decision, stating:

"Fans have been asking for consistency, so we decided that the best way to be consistent is to be completely random. This way, every team gets an equal chance of being f*cked over."

The wheel, built by a questionable British supplier from the 1970s has 12 different outcomes, including:

  • “10-Second Stop-and-Go” – Classic, effective, and guaranteed to ruin someone’s race.

  • “Mid-Race Karaoke” – Driver must sing a song of the stewards’ choosing while completing a lap.

  • “Reverse Grid for Next Race” – Because why not?

  • “Penalty Cancelled Because It’s Hamilton” – Self-explanatory.

Teams React

Hot-headed Mercedes boss Toto Wolff was seen quietly nodding in agreement, whispering, “It can’t be worse than last time.”Meanwhile, Red Bull’s Christian Horner insisted Max Verstappen’s inevitable penalties would be “a disgrace to the sport” before seeing a “Lando Norris Must Buy Drinks for Everyone” option and declaring the system “actually quite fair.”

Ferrari, on the other hand, were still busy deciding whether to pit Charles Leclerc from the previous race.

Implementation and Future Chaos

The FIA also confirmed plans to introduce a “Fan Vote Penalty” where viewers at home can decide what punishment a driver receives. Early polls suggest George Russell may be forced to complete a race with no mirrors, and Sergio Perez will have to swap cars with Yuki Tsunoda mid-race.

With this new rule in place, Formula 1 is now officially the world’s most expensive game show, surpassing Bruce’s Price Is Right and Gladiators.

Stay tuned for more updates—or don’t, because they’ll probably change the rules again next week.

Adam Turner
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